Just a Little Bit Harder

On most days it doesn’t really bother me that Elliot is not like other kids. On most days his delays and differences are non-issues and they don’t make me stop and think. In fact, on most days, I’m thankful for them. Not that I’m not aware of them… I am very aware. I am aware every time I drop him off at daycare and see little babies a whole year younger than him walking and running as if it was the easiest thing in the world. I am aware every time I see my neighbor’s child who is 8 months younger than Elliot talking and verbally articulating her wants. I am aware every time his physical therapist, speech therapist, and special instructor come to our house for his sessions. I am aware that he is different but normally it doesn’t bother me because his fight to meet each milestone has made him so uniquely him and I wouldn’t want him any other way.

But some days… days like today… it bothers me. Some days it hits me that I am a parent of a special needs child, that we have to go through a lot of things that most other families know nothing about. Today, after almost three hours at the ophthalmologist’s office, we learned that Elliot needs glasses. My TWO year old has to wear glasses.

I know that glasses will help him see clearer and will help his eyes focus and not wander. I know that they’re beneficial for him and I’m thankful that he can get them. But just like the orthotic braces he wears on his feet every day, glasses will be another physical and outward reminder that so many things in life will always be a little bit harder for my son.

And that’s what brings me to tears. My son with his affectionate heart, his humor, his eyes that squinkles when he smiles, his curiosity, and his perseverance, will probably always have to work harder for things that come so naturally to his typical peers. Just like he worked and worked on building strength to roll, to crawl, and to finally walk, he’ll have to put in so much effort just to do the things that everyone else does without a second thought.

And it’s okay. That’s his lot in life and it’s going to be fine. But sometimes, just sometimes, my heart rebels at the injustice of it all and I ask God why He had to make it so hard for my precious child. It’s not Elliot’s fault he was born with a genetic “deficiency” (as his dentist… well his FORMER dentist, kept calling it) but yet he has to deal with all the implications of it for the rest of his life. And so just sometimes when I let my mind go there, the tears fall and the heart aches for the loss of the “normal” and “healthy” future I had envisioned for my child.

But tomorrow morning this feeling will pass as it always does. And I will research the best glasses I can get for my kid and ask around for the best children’s optical place because that’s what I do. Because I can’t dwell on the “whys” and the “what could have beens.” My job as a parent is to do the absolute best for him and if that means getting him glasses so that he can see better, than gosh darn it that’s what I’m going to do. And at the end of the day, I’m going to thank God that I have the privilege of parenting this awesome kid and the means of providing him with everything he needs.

So on days like today when the reality of things hits a little too hard, I rest on the knowledge that days like this are few and far between… and I just let the tears flow. Because I know that my God is big enough to handle my rants and rebellions and that He is compassionate enough to help me eventually see past all of the hurt and the pain to see how incredibly blessed I am for all of it… ALL of it.